davidfrank’s posterous

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses."

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese."

Nope, that still didn't sound right;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi."

Ahh sod it I thought,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one."

I don't know but I’ll join in if it laughs!

I have just had a very surreal experience regarding an existing government grant for energy saving bulbs.

Last Thursday

Met a person last Thursday (let’s call her Tracy) week purporting to be from our regional development agency, in the end Tracy was selling LED and CFL bulbs on behalf of other suppliers.

When I visit the website it says website is still under construction.

In effect Tracy was heavily pushing for us to apply for an interest free capital grant from the government to purchase light bulbs!???

Which is a bit strange for me to absorb from two points:

1.       Would you get a loan that lasts 5 years to buy an consumable product that only lasts 1 year? (This is a bit like increasing your mortgage to buy a flash car, then pay it off over 25 years, when the car depreciates in value and only lasts a max of 12 years)

2.       Why is there a grant for something that is common sense and economically viable without a grant?

Anyway I listened intently to Tracy to find out more and the price of the bulbs well, let’s just say I can get the bulbs cheaper at Tesco let alone importing from China.

At the end of the meeting I summarised and concluded with Tracy that we were better of continuing getting bulbs direct, Tracy finished by saying it is unusual to meet an informed person with regard to bulbs costs.

So cut to Today.

So cutting to the “fiddly bit” so anyway I can buy these bulbs direct from the manufacturer in China at a fair rate which means they pay for themselves in under a year and last for around 3 years consuming 5% of their incandescent equivalent.

Cut to surreal phone call I had, from the approved supplier, who as it turns out is a 10% broker for a number of approved suppliers.

Tracy: “OK I know you are buying these bulbs at a very good rate direct from China. How about we fill out the grant forms and we put our margin over the bulbs you bought from China and we pretend you bought them of us. That way you get you grant and we get our commission.”

David: “But we haven’t bought them from you”

Tracy: “Nothing to worry about we can sort that side out for you”

David: “But isn’t that unethical”

Tracy: “No because you are getting what you want”

David: “????????????????????????”

What is this country coming too? When you can have grants for things that do not need grants!

What do you think? Have you seen similar total nonsense and cheating on the tax payer? (apart from MP’s expenses)

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THE DUFFERS GUIDE TO ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS

 SOCIALISM

 You have 2 cows.

 You give one to your neighbour.

 COMMUNISM

 You have 2 cows.

 The State takes both and gives you some

milk.

 FASCISM

 You have 2 cows.

 The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 NAZISM

 You have 2 cows.

 The State takes both and shoots

you.

 BUREAUCRATISM

 You have 2 cows.

 The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then

throws the milk away.

 TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

 You have two cows.

 You sell one and buy a bull.

 Your herd multiplies, and

the economy grows.

 You sell them and retire on the

income.

 SURREALISM

 You have two giraffes.

 The government requires you to take harmonica

lessons

 AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four

cows.

 Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped

dead.

 CitiGroup VENTURE CAPITALISM

 You have two cows.

 You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters

of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute

a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all

four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of

the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island

Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights

to all seven

cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company

owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a

new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No

balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

 A FRENCH CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because

you want three cows.

 A JAPANESE CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an

ordinary cow and produce twenty 

 times the milk. You then create a

clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it

worldwide.

 A GERMAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a

month, and milk themselves.

 AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows, but you don't know where they

are.

 You decide to have lunch.

 A SWISS CORPORATION

 You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to

you.

 You charge the owners for storing them.

 A CHINESE CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You have 300 people milking them.

 You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine

productivity.

 You arrest the newsman who reported the real

situation.

 AN INDIAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You worship them.

 A BRITISH CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 Both are mad.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

 You had two cows

But you only get to milk one per day as you knock off at lunch time.

Later you find you lost the other cow as you surrendered them to a passing army.

Now you’re not bothered as your drinking wine and it is half passed 3 in the afternoon.

 AN IRAQI CORPORATION

 Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

 You tell them that you have none.

 No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy..

 AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 Business seems pretty good.

 You close the office and go for a few beers to

celebrate.

 A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 The one on the left looks very attractive.